Sunday, October 11, 2009

Bugs, bugs, and metal bugs

Its been a long time since I've posted anything. Having no camera really puts a damper on a lot of things, sadly. However I've found something nice for those of you out there who like the odd shiny metalwork.

Let us start with the strange, yet lovely video:

The style you're looking at is Steampunk, something I've been really enjoying the look of lately. This person designs some great jewelry and such. They have an Etsy shop if you want to look through and maybe buy something. The old jewelry maker in me loves looking at all the stuff there. The bugs are awesome.

Speaking of bugs. We got a couple of mantis egg cases we're going to be raising. Kid's excited. I hope we do a good job and they don't all eat each other. Ha ha. Poor sister of mine though, she wanted some adult ones and ordered as such, I think the seller mixed up on the orders. I kinda had a feeling something was off when we got the package and it was so small. No way any adult mantis could fit in there I thought and sure enough out came two egg cases. Oh boy what a surprise that was. Bratling needs a pet soon. She's getting to about that age.

What do y'all think of Hissing Roaches? Unorthodox pet for a first grader or what. Hee hee. She likes the idea and because they're well... roaches they are hardy critters. Plus where as her buddies will have mice, hamsters, and fish. My bratling will have her own hissing roach for show and tell. I love it. Now if only I can con Pa into agreeing with me...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Christmas Crafts

Some of us out there love to make our presents. Perhaps you do too. For the big time crafters the Christmas craft gifts should be started soon. I think I know what I want to make this year!

Crochet Christmas Tampons~!

Thanks to the Microblogologist sibling of mine for mentioning it. I'm pretty sure she got it from McMommy (you horrible influence you *). Naturally I 1upped the idea and brought it to a whole new level of wrong. What better gift can you give that weird group of friends that you don't readily admit to than this? It sure tops the very nonappropriate cards from last year. And if you're particularly sadistic, this will make a great family gift.

I'll have to try and squeeze this project in. Currently we're in gardening prep and that wears me out real well. Combine that with kid watching, I have my hands full. That and bratling doesn't need the talk yet for another four years. Though I guess it's never too soon to tell a poor girl what a week out of every month is going to be like come puberty to menopause. I think I'll wait till she's eight. School tells them about these things anyways come fourth or fifth grade if memory serves me correct. Just think though with a ball of yarn, a hook and some materials for the hat, I have the most adorably inappropriate gifts I could come up with**.


*McMommy isn't a bad influence, more like an awesome one. Lol.

**The most wildly inappropriate gift idea I've really ever had involved a jar full of embalmed squirrel heads... Yeah, I know I'm odd too.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Giant Cricket, On the Scene

Remember when bratling was afraid of crickets? I do. She found that old picture of a giant groady cricket that I had "autographed" for her by Giant Cricket. This lead to her getting depressed and whiny on an otherwise good day... She missed her cricket friend. I tried to cheer her up in a conventional way but she was in one of those kinda moods where nothing would work. Nothing normal.

I told her to stay upstairs with GRA whilst I looked into getting her a surprise and lo and behold thus began an experiment in elaborate yarn spinning. I "e-mailed" Giant Cricket, whom I told whelp moved to Florida. Giant Cricket emailed me back. It cheered her right up.

"Giant Cricket is real!"

The warm fuzzies fizzled about an hour later when she wrote a love letter to the family on the wall with my graphite stick and even further when she hid her dinner under the table. Oh well, Can't have everything. Let's see how far Giant Cricket'll go.

As for me, I'm pretty good. Not in the best of condition. Like my sister has said, "They don't make them like they used to." My wrists are messed up. That combined with a definitive lack of a camera has put me pretty much out of commission at the time. I just like to remind everyone that I am in fact still alive.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Housewife: 1 Bratling: 0

Kid came home from kindergarten to find me sitting on the stairs chowing down my mid afternoon breakfast of rice crispies. After our pleasantries of hanging out whilst she showed off her goodies from her take home folder and caught me up on the latest juicy kindergartner gossip involving so and so doing whatever with the whatsit and so on and so forth she determined she wanted a snack. The following conversation went as followed:

Kid: I want a snack.

Me: Lunch~?

Kid: No... Snack. Sssnnnn-ack.

Me: Lunnnnn-ch?

Kid: Snnnn-aaaaa-ck. I want a snack. A fruit roll!

Me: An apple?

Kid: Noooo a fruit roll, not an apple.

Me: Apples roll.

Kid: No they don't. I want a fruit roll.

Me: (Gets up, grabs an apple, and rolls it across the ground over to her.)

Kid: ...

Me: There. It rolled.

Suffice to say, Bratling enjoyed her apple afterwards.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Devious Ingenious Look and Find

As per the last post where I mentioned the copious amounts of crud that had overrun the house and my efforts taken into cleaning it I shall update you all on the current status of Operation Cleanup.

My faithful reader, Nonna wishes there were pictures of pile Crapatoa* and believe me, I do too. I shall pull out my archives and find photo evidence of the once majestic, long gone mini mount to satiate curiosity. For morbid curiosity sakes I bring you an unedited picture of old pile Crapatoa before it hit its full glory

Now picture it about three times bigger.

There you have it, early Crapatoa. That corner space between the stairs and the garage door. It had a good year plus to grow since that picture and grow it did. Now that between rooms room is fully clean (it could use a vacuuming I'll get on that later today).

Pa helps out as does Gra as I have mentioned as well, today I came up with a devious ingenious way to lull Kid into joining my efforts. Look and Find~! It's one of her favorite kinds of books and also computer games that we do together. It started with some empty food boxes hidden about. It quickly escalated into plastic bags and socks. I'm excessively pleased with myself. There's even mini-games to go with our "game". Such as Bag-Bag** Bagsketball and Socks Matcher!. Now Bratling is begging for another round of Look and Find with me and I can not help but giggle within for how easy it was suckering convincing her that cleaning can be fun.

----that section again----

*I can name the mess piles if I want, thank you very much.

**Have a lot of bags? Put the bags in a bag to make a bag-bag! They double as a stuffed bag-ball for extra fun.

Monday, February 2, 2009

PreSpring Cleaning

Goodness have I ever been a busy housewife! I have taken it upon myself to begin cleaning the disaster area also known as my house. Now I know we can't be the only home out there that's in a state of perpetually messy. That fact doesn't comfort me much when some little friend of Bratling comes inside and looks around with an expression of fascinated horror and exclaims in a voice fill with the candid bluntness of youth, "Woah... Your house is messy." Yeah kid, we kinda figured that one out on our own but thanks for pointing it out anyways. As a housewife I must say this statement left me absolutely mortified.

As you may have recalled from an earlier post I mentioned that the messes around the house regroup after only a few days after cleaning it. Something I didn't mention was that a while back I kept the house clean for quite a long time through a strict maintenance cleaning regiment. Yes, the house was clean. I went to Iowa to visit Microblogologist, my sibling, and came back to a ground zero worth of mess. The place looked worse than before and it absolutely killed my drive to fix it. Bring things back to now, only the most half-hearted attempts have been made and I've finally gotten sick of it. I'm tired of the mess and I would like to Kid to finally be able to have friends over without the feeling of dread they dredge up. I began cleaning.

Downstairs level is now a good third clean . I encountered a mess that I shall now describe because I'm lacking a camera at the moment.

The "Where do I even begin" pile:

Characteristics: This pile is formed from a gathering of miscellaneous sources. Essentially it is a junk runoff point. It's whole-lot-of-everything look helps ensure its long term survival because no one can throw the task of cleaning it off onto another and they wouldn't know where to start tackling the pile first even if they did want to fix it.

Who made it? That is unknown, all that is known is that it is made from everyone's junk congregating into a pile of intimidating proportions.

Best way to clean it? Pick a specific type of item in the mess, like cloth for example, and clean it up before picking another. By breaking the mess down into its three main sources; cloth, garbage, and toys you'll find the pile looks less and less intimidating. Sure enough you'll find yourself vacuuming clean carpet before too long.

That pile made that area an embarrassing eyesore, now it's quite pleasant to look at. It's a good start. I recommend using a shop-vac for the initial vacuuming because it can pick up the bigger bits of debris, saving you the trouble of picking up every last tiny scrap on the ground too big for the regular vac. The plus side, and why I think this cleaning round will work is everyone is on board save for Whelp, who hates cleaning, and Whelp's bio-mom, who looks at me like I have a third head for cleaning at all. Maybe, just maybe we can pull this thing off. I definitely hope so.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Yay Me!

Finally I have arrived. I made money off of my art. I'm so disproportionately proud of myself for this. A while back I drew some graphics and tossed them into a Cafepress shop and forgot about them all together. Then I got a check in the mail for thirty dollars. I was downright tickled pink by this. That design, a streaked agar plate with bifido bacteria, hit it off with some science lover who went and bought a ton of ornaments and buttons. You can't get cooler than that. I'd like to thank the commitee for choosing this design and making me some bonus money.

It made me happy enough to go out and splurge with bratling at the store. We got a pack of post'it notes, Kid got two whole sets of teddy bear stickers, and I got my older-but-not-the-oldest sibling a rubber iguana that's a better pet than that real one she has. Kid got to fill out the deposit slip for me at the bank which even if it was sloppy like you wouldn't believe, the tellers thought it was so cute that they accepted it anyways. Bratling even swiped my card for me at checkout. It made her day. Now I get to look forward to finding stickers stuck to surfaces they don't belong but hey, makes her happy.

I did another design. I think I even showed it off here. If not I'll just show it off again.

Gotta love teddy bears. Kid loves this one so I might go and make a mini button for her. If any of you want a link to the shop here it is.* I was looking at etsy too but haven't made anything for it yet. In the mean time, I gotta go. Kid needs to bee relocated from the couch back onto her bed along with her mountain of plushies. How they got there the world may never know.

----It definately is copying someone copying somone spot----

*No I did not make a post revolving around pimping a Cafepress link. Just sharing it in case anyone is interested. I'm not a total sellout, that costs extra. ha ha

Monday, January 19, 2009

An Idea That (I Wish) Just Might Work.

Poor Unmarried Housewife has been having an issue lately. Her old Cybershot camera has turned into a Cybershit (naughty housewife* language). This is the camera I have used for years, documenting bratling's life in all its most pointless yet cute moments (and for gathering blackmail for when she's older). It has been a staple way of harassing friends with countless pictures of rabbits and random pictures taken at the drop of the hat. That camera was important, nay, vital to this housewife's domestic life. Now it won't turn on anymore.

Now how will I get new blackmail material?**

Gra hasn't been given the sales pitch yet from me about getting a replacement. Yet, every moment without my camera is just one more moment Kid just has to do something priceless that I wished I could have captured. So my idea is this. I should make myself a blog and title it "Give me free stuff". There everyone can go and give me free stuff and I'd blog about it. Oh don't look at me that way, if you remember I have a history of being a dreamer. Knowing my luck however, one of you out there has already tapped the potential of getting free stuff blogs and I will have to come up with some other benificial yet ultimately frivolous blog. I'll have to get back to you all on that one.

----"there's probably a whole chain of folks being copied with this section" section----

*Naughty housewife is one of my Snoop o' tron's funnier search terms that bring people to this blog. I figure if they really want a naughty housewife I'll just have to keep posting about my regular stunts.

**Oh lordy where do I start with this one. That video is titled "Bunny Dance 3" Kid was three then, and I couldn't suceed at getting my rabbits to dance for their banana.

Kids humor your whims a lot easier. For you enlightenment, bratling has always had that nudist streak in her, only now we can at least keep her pants on... at least for a little while.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Unmarried Housewife does a Meme

"Stupid Meme My Sibling Did But Didn't Tag Me For" Meme
I'd like to think I'm at least somewhat hip enough to do some meme or another eventually.

1. Six names you go by:
1. Cheryl
2. Cher-Cher
3. Cherbear
4. Auntie Cheryl
5.The Cheryl
6. Housewife

2. Three things you are wearing right now:
presumptuous aren't we?

1. Signature hoodie
2. black tee
3. Sock Monkey PJ bottoms

Three things you want very badly right now:
1. New camera to replace dead one :(
2. To Sleep
3. Hot, single, not gay, competent, with a well paying job man slathered in chocolate laying atop a pile of money who is looking to settle down.
As if I'd've left that out.

4. T
hree people who will fill this out:
Is there anyone crazy enough left to fill out memes?
1. Kid
2. Kid again
3. Even more Kid

Two things you did last night:
1. Tried to sleep for the third time that day
2. Drew

Two things you ate today:
1. Coffee
2. Um... hm... Something solid and edible... I think?
Don't look at me like that! I'm sleep deprived, I can't remember yesterday let alone what I ate today.

People you last talked to on the phone:
1. Karen
2. Gra's friend Debbie
I should call my bestfriend...

Two things you are going to do tomorrow:
1. The same thing I do every night; try to take over the world.
2. Make peanut brittle

9. Your favorite beverages:
1. Coffee
2. Chocolate Milk
Surprise surprise...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Transformers: The Drama Begins

Round here things don't ever go the way you'd expect them. The counters are buried with clean dishes instead of dirty*, the people within are all dysfunctional and just plain nuts, and little girls don't play with dollies, no, they play with action figures. Well one little girl anyways.

Kid got over the holidays a whole bunch of transformers, my little ponies, littlest petshops, and wall-es. So far the ponies are locked in mortal combat along with the littlest pet shops in which the only brief respite in their conquest is for group tea and birthday parties. Fortunately, and quite unlucky for them, pony years are dreadfully short for I've seen every last pony have a birthday at least three times a day a piece in between grueling battle riyals. I don't know if they have it better than the more boyish of her toys, the transformers though; they are the ones living a soap opera-like teen drama of a life.

I feel sorry for Black Arachnia, a female transformer spider. She has an unfortunate problem: She's the only girl transformers amidst a whole slue of males and unfortunately for her, it would appear the whole lot of them are all gay. It doesn't stop the girl from trying. She's dating at least two of the others now, the hussy. She's also a completely psycho girlfriend, going as far as to stalk her potential paramours relentlessly and constantly declaring her undieing "love" for them all. Poor "The Fallen", he doesn't want to date her at all. After a long day of her constantly showing up where ever he went, trying to feed him foods she knows he's allergic to, and calling him nonstop he had enough and shot her. She's an immortal crazy bizznatch however, and after he sought solace on a high up place of of bratling and subsequently Crazy Spider Lady's reach. From there she started doing illegal, under the table operations upon her recently dumped "boyfriends".

Thank god the kid's five and boys are off and on again gross or I'd be worried for them.
Get out while you still can Fallen!

This amusing expert from the days play will now be written for your delight:

Kid (in best imitation girly voice): "The Fallen! I love you! We should go out now!"

Me (humoring the kid): "The Fallen says she has enough boyfriends (mutters) the hussy..."

Kid: "She's not a hussy! (back to funny girly voice) I dumped them. I only want you now Fallen, I love you."

Me (sadly amused by this): "The Fallen says they should see other people and they would never work out."

Kid: "No! We can make it work Fallen, I'll give you extra kissies and hugs and cuddles."

Me: "The Fallen says she's only in it for the kissies and the fact that he's the coolest transformer. Also, he says that he doesn't want a girlfriend."

Kid: "But I can't live without a boyfriend! You don't want me to die do you?"

Me (musing out loud): "I know way too many women out there like that..."

(Kid has her transformer kick The Fallen in the face.)

Saturday, January 3, 2009

What I Want

By now my readers have gathered from my title and description that I am an unmarried housewife. But what would it take to make this girl into a married housewife? Guys take note for I will be talking about my standards. Who knows, maybe you can bring this knowledge home to bag yourself your own unmarried housewife!

If you match this picture you win!

Step One: Have a great personality.

Yes, I love me a guy with personality. Good humor is a must, especially since, let's just face it; I'm a little weird. Charisma, intelligence, creativity, patience, and the ability to go with the flow is a given necessity. If he can make me laugh, let me know everything no matter what will be okay in the end and make me feel special, I'll be a happy girl.

Step Two: Have the will to succeed.

Any man who's going to be in it will have to have his head firmly planted on his shoulders. Wishy-washiness, a lack of effort, or laziness are traits that will not only turn me off but turn me away. That means that the guy in question will take action in life, not sit on his hands.

Step Three: Don't have more issues than me.

Let's just face it. I've known a lot of guys. They always started nice, funny, and cute. Soon enough the moment a relationship starts or shortly there after, they turn into complete freaks. If you're real messed up then seriously, save me and yourself the effort and don't even bother. I'd like to find at least one relatively normal, functional guy at some point in my young life. Seriously, how hard can it be? I'm strange enough, I want the future kids to stand some chance for semi-normalcy.

Now seeing as I just described a male of mythical proportions let's get into the spirit and take the piss out of things.

Step Four: Military men are H-O-T.

Yes, let's go with my favorite kink because I can. Fantasy man would be in the Military. Nothing quite like a well-trained, peak performance male especially in uniform to make me all giggly. I might be a complete homebody, but come on, a girl can so dream that she'll end up with a tasty man in uniform. Plus side is in theory, mister army man would have the discipline, the drive, the delectablness, and won't be completely bonkers.

Step Five: Do things for me.

Fantasy man will do nice things for me because he's nice and likes me to be happy. Small things like a phone call from work, an unexpected kiss, telling me he missed me when he's been away. Stuff like that. Small romantic things. It doesn't take extravagant things to make me feel touched. Just doing that small extra step warms my heart.

Now I know not every guy will be some hot, ripped man laying on a bed of money and slathered in chocolate and have a top end job (not that I wouldn't mind) but a girl can dream though can't she?

Now that's what I'm talking about!

After notes:

Don't take this post too seriously. It's all in good fun.

Friday, January 2, 2009

My Little Pony Beer Bottle

WeaselMomma made a deliciously funny post today about mini bottles of beer. I took it much too literally and visualized what a "pony" bottle would look like. Silly WeaselMomma, why hide your pony bottles behind a toaster when you can hide them in plain sight?
Yes! My Little Pony bottles for your beer. Twist the head off and drink. Every case would come with several differently posed ponies all baring their company logos. It is eco friendly! Afterall, when you're done with them, just hand them over to your darling childen to play with. With your My Little Pony bottles you won't have to hide your habit, you're drinking for your kids. Just see how happy they'll be when you finish off a round. They'd even beg you to drink your beer so they could recieve empty pony bottles.

We all know kids love packaging material so even if they've never touched any of the My Little Pony toys you've actually paid good monies for, they're sure to play endlessly with your spent bottles. The double advertisement can keep their prices low as well! Everybody wins!

- The Unmarried Housewife

P.s. Accepting partnership in all beer compaigns so long as I never have to drink the stuff.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

From the Flawed Logic of a Child

Over here at the Unmarried Housewife's household things have been an off and on battle to remind Kid exactly how things work. As you all may recall poor Pa has been watching the whelp whilst I cavorted about in Iowa with my sister, the Microblogologist. As you also remember, Kid became a completely wild child with my sixty something sickly Pa behind the wheels of the bratmobile.

Poor Bratling, to be five, her cherished maternal figure who was also her discipline regime, gone. How else was she to act? Too bad for her the discipline force doesn't humor her off behavior. It was not so bad whilst Microblogologist around, though Kid took it upon herself to tattle on me every time I tried to enforce something or get her to do something like... oh I don't know. Return the things she took out of my room and lost or clean up a mess she entirely made. She'd come up with the many excuses to go to the area her other auntie was in and tell on me. Oy vey.

This leads to my current punishment on Kid. Because she trashed my room, broke some of my things and lost others whilst I was away I took the computer away from her for the rest of her winter vacation. Kid logic dictates that Pa's computer, however, is free game. So after my wake up call of little clomping feet going up and down the hall reached me and I coffeed myself up to a tolerable level I came downstairs. What did my eyes see before me but Kid, on the computer, trying to call her auntie over Skype from a computer without the mic needed for such a task. With the grace that all of us dictator tyrant disciplinarians posses I addressed the issue:

Me [dignified yell]: "Kid! Stop trying to call Auntie Kee! You know that Skype's call feature doesn't work, you're just harassing Kee!"

Kid [whining]: "But I miss my Auntie Kee!"

Me [not backing down]: "So? That doesn't make that Skype work without a mic. She might not even be home."

Kid [mad]: "I want to talk to Auntie Kee!"

Me [annoyance building]: "It doesn't matter. You're still uselessly ringing her up."

Kid [whiny mad]: (repeat prior responses x3)

Me [dawning revelation]: "Wait a minute... Didn't I ground you from the computer? I did ground you from the computer!"

Kid [exasperated]: "You grounded me from my computer. This is Pa's computer."

Me [deadpan]: "Nice try. Off."

Kid [angry]: "You let me talk to my Auntie Kee right now!"

Me [amused]: "Oh?"

Kid: [makes a frustrated and whiny scream]

Me: [laughs at Kid's expense]

Kid [pulling out the big guns]: "If you don't let me talk to Auntie Kee right now I'll call you by your middle name!"

Me [humoring]: "Oh?"

Kid [satisfied malice]: "Yeah! (Uses her own middle name)!"

Me and Auntie Kee from over Skype: [dies laughing]

Eventually she'll figure out that not everyone hates their middle name or share the same one. I think I may just cry that day.

--------after notes---------

Yes, yes I am mean. It's too much fun poking fun at a kid's train of thought and Kid is an abundant resource of cheap chuckles. Kids; a gift that keeps on giving.